RR5 012: Rat Poison

Rat Poison or: No Holiday On Ice is a Road Rules 5: Northern Trail episode first aired on 1998-03-30.

The episode featured Jonathan Holmes, Roni Martin, Tara McDaniel, Dan Setzler, Noah Rickun and Anne Wharton.

Official Description
When we last left you, Noah was swapping spit with a carnal Canadian cutie named Natasha. Guess what, Road hogs?! She's still on his mind...

As sunlight slams through the small window in the Roadies' hostel suite, Noah lifts his guitar from the floor and strums thoughtfully. And now, an announcement!! Mr. N reveals that he can't decide if he's being dishonest with Rebecca (girlfriend) by dating Natasha (pick-up). Now, even a kid knows the right answer to that question. Dan privately admits that he's lost all respect for Naughty Noah. Without waiting for his Road-mates to roar "do the right thing," Noah slips into the hallway and connects with Natasha via pay phone. Loverboy coos into the receiver, "the hostel suite is very nice, but there's one thing wrong: you're not here." Oh, brother. Noah, here are a few fresh pickup lines for you to add to your exhausted repertoire:
 * God did a good job on you!
 * Did you hurt yourself when you fell out of heaven?

After hosing off and pulling on some duds, the Roadums pile into la Win (that's French) and roll over to the Montreal Civic Center where they are greeted by four hunky professional hockey players who reveal the next mission: today you'll play a game of hockey. Who will we play against, everyone wants to know. Well, that's a surprise -- but we can say they're a tough little team.

The Roadies are escorted into the locker room where they pull on piles of brand new equipment. Now it's onto the ice for a little practice. Well, it would take your grandmother only a few moments of observation to realize the sad situation: everyone sucks except for Dan. Why didn't anyone think to dub Dan Vanilla Ice??!! Such a loss... As you know, Dan is perfect and so of course it just so happens that he was a star hockey player in high school. Lucky for the Roadbumps, since all they are capable of is wobbling on weak ankles and collapsing in well-padded heaps. Now let's get serious for a minute -- someone's got to be the goalie. Someone has to fend off all those pucks flying for the net. Jon asks the coaches, "what are the characteristics of a goalie?" The pros explain that a goalie usually has a small mental problem. How convenient. There is no debate. Jon wants to be goalie. The coaches hand Jon the special, custom-made ROAD RULES goalie helmet. It's very, very kewl. Part road map, part Friday The Thirteenth ski mask. Jon is obsessed by this piece of equipment. He must have it! Coach explains, "if you win the game, you keep the helmet. If you loose the game, you have to take the winning team out to lunch." Sharpen those blades...

The bleachers are filled with expectant fans who want to see blood. In a glass paneled booth, the announcer introduces the Rulers as they take to the ice. And now it's time to meet the competition. The Rink Rats! The Rulers are speechless. No one on the opposing team is over four feet tall. Are they from Munchkinland? No, they're from the first grade! The average age of the players on the opposing team is four. As in single digit. They may be short, and they may like cartoons, but these pups are no push-overs. As Anne explains, "they skate like demons!" Dan really has his work cut out for him. The coaches remind the Roadies that if they lose the game, they must treat the kiddies to an afternoon of fun and food. Hey, Noah doesn't have time to baby-sit, he's got a date with Natasha. Well, maybe Natasha likes kids. Let the games begin!

Right off the bat, the Rink Rats have control of the puck. A Forward slashes his stick through the air and the puck sails a hundred miles an hour at Jon's face. He blocks! He's brilliant! Tara recognizes the transformation that occurs when Jon pulls on the pads: "he's amazing, he's rocking, he loves it!" Maybe Jon has found his calling. Never one to be overshadowed, Noah checks a five-year-old, sending the kid sprawling on the ice. The whistle shrieks and Loverboy is saddled with a two-minute penalty for "unsportsmanlike conduct." Dan is skating his guts out, the Rink Rats swarming around him like flies on... well, those kids just don't let up. And with Noah in the penalty box, the Rulers are outnumbered. SCORE, Rink Rats! And that's the end of the first period. The teams retire to their respective locker rooms and Noah complains, "we're getting our asses kicked by a bunch of two-year-olds!" Dan decides he's done playing around -- it's time to get serious.

The second period begins and within seconds, Dan has scored. But his aggression only seems to incite more venom from the Rink Rats. A fierce battle ensues, with Dan attempting to conquer despite the unfortunate one-against-four atmosphere. Dan scores, the Rink Rats score, back and forth, until the end of the second period finds the Rats leading, 7-6. Huddle. The Rulers' coach explains it's time to take drastic measures: "get out there, look them in the eye, and tell them there's no such thing as Santa Claus." The third and final period finds Dan exhausted after pulling the weight of the entire team. It's a close game, but the Rats triumph, taking the trophy. You just know Jon is bummed. But guess what? He's been voted Most Valuable Player and his reward is la Mask (that's French)! See, dreams really do come true. But now it's time to pay up. Don't tell mom, the baby-sitter's dead...

The Rink Rats pile into the Winnie and it's a loud and rambunctious ride over to COCONUTS, an insane restaurant that prides itself on its indoor playground. After gobbling pizza, everyone pours into the jungle gym for some aggressive horseplay. While taking a breather, Noah proudly explains to one of the young boys, "I've got three girlfriends." Without missing a beat, the youngster replies, "that means you're cheating on two of them."

See, even a kid knows the answer to that question...