RR5 011: Fred Astaire You Aint

Fred Astaire You Aint or: Tripping The Light Fantastic is a Road Rules 5: Northern Trail episode first aired on 1998-03-23.

The episode featured Jonathan Holmes, Roni Martin, Tara McDaniel, Dan Setzler, Noah Rickun and Anne Wharton.

Official Description
Have you ever seen the show American Bandstand? How about Soul Train? Remember Dance Fever? They're playing that one on cable again right now. All these shows have one thing in common: fabulous, glamorous, glittering dance numbers. This week's episode is nothing like those shows.

After bidding Doctor Tim a teary farewell, the Roadies follow their next clue to Ridgeman Street in Toronto. At an imposing nightclub, they are greeted by MICHAEL, who explains the next mission: you have 24 hours to prepare for your performance as go-go dancers. Is that a nervous sweat, or just dance fever?

The bootie-shakers-to-be follow Michael on a tour of the vast nightclub. There's a wide stage at one end of the dance floor. That's right, all eyes will be on you. Michael directs the sweet young things to the dressing room where buckets of costumes await their limbs. The Roadies start pawing through the clothing, trying to find just the right look. Not your color, honey. Is this a shirt or a bracelet? Noah reminds everyone that he's always wanted to be a stripper, so this mission is right up his alley -- it's all about sex. Roni gets serious -- we need to choreograph our show so that we're all doing the same moves. I want us to look good! And Roni is just the person to lead the crew -- she graduated from the Fame school, with an emphasis in dance, for gosh sakes.

Rehearsal begins. Kick ball change, kick ball change, but no. It's immediately clear to all that Roni is a great dancer and everyone else is barely-average-maybe. This is where the great split in thinking starts to rip... Roni wants everyone to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. She really believes that if her trip-mates would just apply themselves, they would pick up the steps she's created. But the other Roadies are not into this Flashdance intensity. They just want to "have fun with it." And what's wrong with that? Well, for one thing, if the moves are mediocre, Roni fears that everyone will say "why didn't Roni help them out, she went to the Fame school, for gosh sakes." You see the quandary. But what is Roni to do?

It's quickly decided that everyone will have the opportunity to take center stage to bust a move -- show off their own personal style. Noah wants to do his sex moves (big surprise) and Jon wants to do his Crank. Anne confesses she can't concentrate on the dance because all she can think about is Doctor Tim. Tara and Dan are willing to try anything once, but wisely refuse to promise entertainment.

After five hours of rehearsal, our tender-footed travelers look worse than when they began. Noah suggests Anne and Tara remain on the twin podiums from start to finish -- that way if they mess up, it will look like they're just free-styling. Roni privately rips her talent-free travelers to shreds: "Jon has no rhythm, Noah thinks he can dance but he can't, and the girls just giggle." Glamour is a rocky road...

Phone call! It's for Anne. Guess who's coming to dinner? Doctor Tim! He's coming to visit for the weekend. Anne couldn't be happier. Well, maybe if Tim was bringing her a diamond ring...

That night, Anne races to the station to greet Tim. She throws her arms around his neck and won't let go. Doesn't look like he wants her to. The next morning, Anne and Tim wake in each other's arms in the Winnie. Anne jokingly reminds Tim that her job is much more demanding than his: "You play with screws and plaster. I have to shovel manure and drive cattle with no water. Professional wrestling? Done it!" It's as if they've been together forever.

That afternoon, the Roadies dress for the big night center stage. Halston, Gucci, Fiorucci. Noah is worried, "I have no upper body." Jon tries to buoy Noah's self-image, "your arms are hot, your abs are hot, you move hotter than anyone I've ever seen, you're a super tramp!" OK Jon, if you overdo it he won't believe it.

The Roadies drive over to the club and a huge line of partiers sprawls down the block. A line packed with hot ladies, by the way. Noah is freaking. The temptation! He chants, trying to maintain control, "I have a girlfriend." Anne has made up her mind, "I'm not dancing next to Roni, I'm dancing on the other side of the floor where the white girls dance." Wise decision. The lights dim and noise from the crowd falls to a hush. The Roadies bound onto the stage and you know what? - they're not half bad! It was kind of strange to see Noah making love to the floor, but hey, maybe nobody noticed. As the Rulers bound off stage, Michael rewards them with $1900 -- that should keep you going for a while.

A cool-down at the bar, drinks all around. Suddenly, Noah is surrounded by a pack of lovelies. One catches his eye -- her name is Natasha. They bump and grind and a little bit more... The next morning, Noah confesses, "I'm having fun in the evenings and feeling guilty in the morning." Noah phones Rebecca to apologize for not calling. It's a short conversation. Know what I mean? Later that day, when the Roadies hit the beach, Natasha joins Noah. The lovers sit thigh to thigh. Cheek to cheek. Noah confesses that he is envious of friends who can date whomever they want without spousal repercussions. Natasha understands, but it doesn't look like she's going anywhere.

That evening, Anne and Tim spend their final hours together. He buys her a little ring and she cries softly. Now it's back to the station for farewell. Like pulling off a Band-Aid, the parting is quick and painful. Now Anne is reduced to tears, alone in the back of taxi. Doctor Tim to Anne's arms, STAT!